Mondas? Nah.

The Doctor: Come on, Rose, we must hurry!

Rose: I know, it’s…it’s just…I can’t stop thinkin’ about my borin’ family and how they ought to be on my mind the whole time to show I’m a realistic character.

The Doctor: But there isn’t time! We’re thirty minutes into the episode and haven’t had any story yet!

Rose: Yeah, but…I just thought…if I…talk…really slowly…it’ll look like…proper actin’, you know?

The Doctor: Nobody cares about your family! Nobody! Except Russell T Davies!

Mickey: Hey, what about my borin’ family? I’m fed up of just bein’ a single borin’ character, I demand several minutes of this episode to find some other borin’ characters to make me a more rounded (though no less borin’) person.

The Doctor: Oh, thank God, here comes a villain!

Rose: Yeah, but…isn’t that bloke from Only Fools and Horses?

Roger Lloyd Pack: I… HAVE… APPEARED… IN… MANY… BRIT… TISH… SIT… COMS… BUT… TODAY… I… AM… PLAYING… A… VILLAIN… IN… A… SERIOUS… DRAMA… SO… I… WILL… UTTER… EACH… OF… MY… WORDS… IN… THIS… VERY… SERIOUS… VOICE… LIKE… I… REMEMBER… FROM… DOCTOR… WHO… WHEN… I… WAS… LITTLE… SO… EVERYBODY… CAN… TELL… IT’S… SERIOUS… NYAHAHAHA.

Mickey: What are they?

The Doctor: They’re Cybermen! Only not really Cybermen, because they come from a parallel version of earth, for no apparent reason!

Russell T Davies: Oh, that was my decision boyo, they had to come from earth because otherwise the audience wouldn’t be able to identify with them – I mean, we have to assume everybody else is as stupid as me, don’t we boyo!

The Doctor: You forgot to end your sentence with a subtle reference to Torchwood.

Russell T Davies: So I did! But it’s too late, we’ve used up too much space with scenes involving Rose talking wistfully, and the episode is finishing!

(They all look shocked and the Doctor Who theme music floats in.)

BBC continuity announcer: And next week’s episode of Doctor Who will be broadcast at the unfamiliar time of 6.30pm, half an hour earlier than today’s episode was meant to be shown, although it was actually shown half an hour late, so unexpectedly was at a different time slot to last week’s new time of 7pm, quarter of an hour earlier than the time we started broadcasting the series at before we moved it back by five minutes. Now that we’ve won a BAFTA, we’re determined to shake off as many potential viewers as possible.

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