Author: James Aylett

Is he hiding junior ministers behind them?

Sorry. Just watching the Newsnight debate, with Jeremy Paxman being unwarrantedly funny and sharp (isn’t this supposed to be, you know, a serious election?), and – strangely – the three party representatives not actually arguing vociferously about police and crime, at least until some members of the voting public had stuck their oar in and got everyone upset. Which is interesting, because on previous issues they’d been at each others’ throats.

Which makes me wonder if perhaps all the parties know that crime is far too sticky to get into at this stage. They’ve learned they can’t rely on trotting out figures, because the figures never tell you anything useful (although, in despair, I realise that the majority of people still don’t know why statistics are so rarely helpful to them) – so they seem to have chosen to say nothing, desperately hoping that way that no one will point out that they’re making it all up. (Sorry, nearly typed “… that they’re wankers” there – slight touch of the Campbells.)

Currently having fun with the BBC’s election website, particularly the Peter Snow bits. Fabulous – this is what elections are all about. Peter Snow and sausages (we used to eat sausages on election night when I was a child, as a way of staying awake). Roll on May 5th!

Last night, Cathy S pointed out to me The Times’ coverage of the alleged Al Qaeda plot to poison Britain. She wasn’t particularly concerned about the plot itself, but more by the fact that the article failed to mention that Kamel Bourgass was arrested in 2003 – until the third page. The impression given by the article up until then was of a much more recent threat. Are there any newspapers left that aren’t rubbish?

What interests me slightly more about this is that he was prosecuted and convicted of conspiracy to commit a public nuisance “by the use of poisons or explosives to cause disruption, fear or injury”, which is a wonderful phrase in itself – but he was convicted. Go to jail, go directly to jail, don’t bother with a restraining order, or monitored surveillance or anything that Charles Clarke has been insisting is so critical to thwarting major terrorist attacks on our country. So, excuse me for asking, was this arrest and prosecution a failure in some way (beyond the execution of the raid itself)? Or perhaps this wasn’t a major threat? Deputy Assistant Commissioner Peter Clarke, head of the Anti-Terrorist Branch, doesn’t seem to think so: he said that the public had been “spared from a real and deadly threat”. Or maybe Charles Clarke is just wrong?

While we’re on the subject of The Times, could Ruth Gledhill, whose three year old child is suffering trauma as a result of Dr Who please stop letting her young, impressionable offspring watch television at that time of the day? The news is on earlier than Dr Who, and contains considerably more disturbing scenes. For that matter, Strictly Dance Fever is pretty terrifying in the first place.

My estimation of Alastair Campbell goes up, incidentally, after learning quite how much he hates The Daily Mail. Go, Alastair! (Oh, and look – Google’s first hit for “Alastair Campbell” is a page at the BBC.)

Stop what you are doing right now, get yourself to a cinema, and watch Downfall. It’s the best film I’ve seen for quite some time, and the best war film I’ve seen, ever. So go and watch it now.

It has come to our attention that half way through the broadcast of this evening’s episode of Doctor Who, Pope John Paul II passed away in the Vatican. The Pope had been known for many years as an ardent fan of the show, and it is believed that the shock of discovering that Gallifrey has been destroyed contributed to his final end.

We remember him with fondness, particularly for the support he gave the Uncertainty Division in its formative years, when he would let us rehearse in his rooms in Selwyn College, Rome. Of course the Pope was also a support to many other young performers, including John Cleese, Germaine Greer and Stephen Fry. At the Pope’s gala performance only a year ago, people turned out to show their support for the man who has been, in the words of Alan Rickman, “a very good man. Perhaps the goodest man of all.”

The Pope’s last words were “it is the end…but the moment has been prepared for.” He was then seen to blur and take on the form of a younger man with straight, fair hair. The next Pope has not yet been announced, but possible candidates are David Tennant and George Carey (though Michael Howard has also shown interest in the role, having expressed a desire to move on from his current position in early May). The Producer of the Vatican, Cardinal Russell T. Nathan-Turner, has indicated that he wishes the next Pope to be “more vulnerable and less eccentric”. He has dismissed rumours that the next Pope will be female, or that Tom Baker will be returning to the role.

We will naturally keep you informed as and when we get news, but in the mean time we acknowledge with sadness the passing of a great, great man.

James and James

Popping back from the pub, what do I discover in my inbox, but an email from occasional album-recorders and all-round loonies, Garbage. Last time I looked at their website, Shirley Mason was still bitching about the boys deciding to rerecord all the drums, and other studio tattle, but now it seems they’re done with that, the album’s done, and it’s almost time to go and buy it.

The only thing dulling my excitement is the realisation that every other person in the entire world already knew about this on account of paying closer attention – but what, did I miss an earlier email or something?

I’m still very excited, though. And the video for the first single is in black and white, so it must be good. Unless my computer is on the blink.

“Pulp diction”. Jimmy Carr invites members of the public to attempt tongue-twisters, live on air. When they make mistakes, he beats them with a lump hammer.

When people speak of wit, they generally mean poetic rudeness.

Corollary: if accused of rudeness, try using prettier words.

“An exorcism isn’t an appropriate subject for television”, or similar words, from Ann Widdecombe, on the subject of last night’s TV offal. I have this image of an office, deep in Whitehall, staffed by spotty interns who watch TV all day with a big list of appropriate subjects. Whenever something not on the list comes up, they write it up and send it to any MP who hasn’t done much recently, so they can make unnecessary remarks about it.

Every so often they make a mistake and give one to Boris Johnson, who laughs in their puffy faces before nicking their bagels and sauntering off down the corridor whistling the theme tune to Joe 90.

• “We must put safety before liberty” – Tony Blair, paraphrased by The Telegraph, 24/02/2005
• “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick
• “The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedience, and by parts.” – Edmund Burke

I’m going to have to stop thinking of Beard Clarke as a pitbull, and cast him as something with more nibbly teeth. Like a fascist hamster.

• “There is no greater civil liberty than to live free from terrorist attack.” – Tony Blair, writing in The Telegraph, 24/02/2005

No greater civil liberty? No greater civil liberty? Not freedom of expression, freedom of association, freedom to vote and think and dress and work as I please? No, clearly not. The freedom to not be blown up by terrorists is far more important – let’s ignore the fact that far fewer people are the victims of terrorist attacks than of incompetent government bundling of health, social security, transport or education. Unless New Labour is planning to offer vocational training in terrorism it’s difficult to see how Al Qaeda could ever pose a greater threat to most people than, say, MRSA. Or a seven day house arrest without judicial review. Or Ruth Kelly.

To be completely fair, Cicero disagrees with me. “Liberty consists in the power of doing that which is permitted by the law”, he boldly states. I can hear him now, calling down the years: “Let none listen to Aylett, lest he end up listening to himself!”. But then he was a wuss who would go and sulk every time he lost a case he was trying; and let us not forget that it was also Cicero who said “When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff”, something that a couple of millenia later has become enshrined as the way to get elected in America. Speaking of which:

• “This young century will be liberty’s century.” – George W. Bush
• “It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.” – Dick Cheney

(Cheney subsequently making it his life’s work to ensure that no American ever again takes liberty for granted.)

And in case you were thinking that judicial review of cases which (for reasons that have never been explained) cannot be prosecuted will make us all happy, free, safe bunnies:

• “Whenever a separation is made between liberty and justice, neither, in my opinion, is safe.” – Edmund Burke