Talk To Rex

I would just like to announce to the world that it is a BEAUTIFUL morning and life is a very wonderful thing.

To: Radio2 Enquiries

I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but I just had the travel news on in the background and I’m sure I heard you announce that there were “dinnerladies on the M3”. I wonder if you could put my mind at rest that this is not the case – or, if I did not mishear you, advise me as how one should approach this potential hazard to traffic?

Many thanks,

James Lark

From: Phil Hughes, Editor Mainstream Programmes BBC Radio 2

It was a report from a caller nicknamed “Dinnerlady”

The travel news on radio 2 just announced that there were “dinnerladies on the M3”.

……….surely not?

It isn’t vanity that makes me search for myself on Google images. After all if I wanted to look at pictures of myself on the internet I know plenty of places to find them. No, it’s the pictures of other people that I’m curious about, for while I am (rather embarrassingly) represented by this photograph:

…my name also brings up this James Lark, Chairman apparently, though God knows of what:

…and also this chap:

…as well as this chap:

It’s rather reassurring to see that the James Larks of this world seem to be a promising bunch, as far as you can tell from their pictures.

As I was cycling along East Road just now I stopped at a pelican crossing, the traffic lights being red. A woman with a bike was standing on the pavement, apparently waiting to cross the road. She continued to wait until the traffic lights turned green again and as the traffic started moving she crossed the road.

Was she confused because although she was crossing the road she was also pushing a bike? Or was there a defect with the pelican crossing which I would consider to be extremely perilous?

If it is the latter then Cambridgeshire County Council ought to be ashamed of itself. If the former, then the lady in question frankly deserves to be run over, and very probably soon will be.

“Pulp diction”. Jimmy Carr invites members of the public to attempt tongue-twisters, live on air. When they make mistakes, he beats them with a lump hammer.

When people speak of wit, they generally mean poetic rudeness.

Corollary: if accused of rudeness, try using prettier words.

The 100 Greatest Cartoons my arse. The greatest cartoon of all time, The Mysterious Cities of Gold, doesn’t even feature. Oh yeah, I’m sure it was just squeezed out by Gay Duck, that superbly animated classic.

Dear Car Drivers,

I wish to point out that although my vehicle has only two wheels and is considerably cheaper to run, lighter, more environmentally friendly and healthier than yours, I still have a legal right to pull out and turn right at junctions.

In the event that there is a car driver behind me as I approach such a junction, I will usually signal to indicate my intentions, then pull out to turn right.

It may be that I this means I have to pull out in front of you, not slowing down or stopping and letting you pass, but actually making the right turn in front of your very vehicle so that you have to slow down slightly and witness my manoeuvre. Yes, almost as if I were another CAR! You may find this tedious, unfair, perhaps even demeaning, but I would point out that it is still something that I have every legal right to do as a road-user.

I am very sorry if my reckless right-turning might have added a few seconds to journeys you have made in the past. I apologise if you feel that it is nonsensical to make concessions to us “two-wheelers”. I know that if you decided to ignore me and just carry on driving regardless, the likelihood is that I would suffer considerably more damage than you.

But from a legal and moral point of view, you would still have been WRONG.

You may choose to beep your horn as I pull out, to vent your righteous rage at my cheek at presuming to be a proper vehicle.

But you are still WRONG.

I wonder if you might consider showing a little more patience to poor, slow cyclists such as myself, silly though it may seem to you that we occasionally wish to take routes that include right-turns.

In the meantime, I wonder if you might also stop being such FUCKING TWATS.

Yours faithfully,

James Lark

“An exorcism isn’t an appropriate subject for television”, or similar words, from Ann Widdecombe, on the subject of last night’s TV offal. I have this image of an office, deep in Whitehall, staffed by spotty interns who watch TV all day with a big list of appropriate subjects. Whenever something not on the list comes up, they write it up and send it to any MP who hasn’t done much recently, so they can make unnecessary remarks about it.

Every so often they make a mistake and give one to Boris Johnson, who laughs in their puffy faces before nicking their bagels and sauntering off down the corridor whistling the theme tune to Joe 90.