Thought for the Dairy

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with Revd Ian Thompson
(recently elected Patron of FUD)

Och – deeeairrry productssss, eh? Wha’s the point o’ a warrrrm cup o’ milk, I say, wi’oot a dram o’ whisky or two to wassshhh it doon? Eh? Eh? We all love a wee bit o’ caek, but wheeerrr’s the joy in caek wi’oot beeerrrrr? If a wee laddie were tae ask me if I was inclined tae consoom cheese productsss, for instance, I’d be a-tellin’ he, “Och, wee gorgeous laddie, wheeer’s ya flagon, och aye?” and a-fillin of his tankard, metaphorical or otherwise I’ll a have-ye, tee hee hae ha hoo!

And that Atkins lassie – At-SINS more leik, in me oon humble opinion! She just spoots nonsense oot of herrr wee mouth, not that ye’ll get a lot o’ sense oot of Angela Tilby, meind yoo, and she’s less than wee if you noo what I mean, aye.

Bent leik drums, eh? Eh? till a’ their weel – swall’d kytes belyve; then auld deeeairrry productssss, maist like to rise, be thankit hums. Is there that owre his milk ragout? Or cheese wad straw a sov, or creeem caeks wad make her spew wi perfect scummer, looks down wi sneering, scornfu’ view on sic a dinner? Sic on ice-creeem? Wha? And hoo cairees anyhoo?

So – here’s tae us, wha’s like us, damn few, and they’re a’ deid – mair’s the pity!

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