You're not sure where you're to mail it

Some of you might recall my infamous Michael Howard song, which (as James Aylett gleefully observed last year) is no longer in any fit state to be performed purely because its subject has dropped out of the news in exactly the way we wished he would when he was still in it.

At the time I observed that, because the one joke in the song was that Michael Howard’s face looks like an arse, I could very easily replace his name with that of his successor and carry on singing the song.

But that doesn’t seem fair, somehow – I wrote it to make the very truthful satirical observation that Michael Howard’s face resembles a bottom – to apply that to David Cameron would be tenuous and unjust. In any case, there were Howard references like “something of the night about him” and so on – no, far better to move on.

The last time I attempted to sing the song was at the Friday Project launch party, when I was too inebriated to remember any of the words except “yes his face looks like a bottom…yes his face looks like a bottom…” But Paul Carr continued to laugh and cheer every time I sang it so I carried on singing it. Not the best ever swansong for a work of poetic genius.

But speaking of poetic genius, I’ve just uncovered from a pile on my desk a couple of new verses I penned at James Aylett’s birthday party, based on the fact that James has been compared to the new Tory leader:

When looking at the leader of the opposition
I find that I am in a rather difficult position
For though his big mouth’s something that we’d all quite like to hammer on
There’s someone else I know who looks a little like Dave Cameron…

(chorus)
Yes his face looks like James Aylett’s,
Yes James Aylett’s got his face,
To think that there could be such twins
Amongst the human race,
So if you’ve a complaint
And you’re not certain where to mail it
Be careful you get Cameron,
Don’t post it to James Aylett.

I fear it won’t be a hit at private parties because, lovely though he is, James Aylett is even less well known than Michael Howard. Also because it doesn’t use the word “arse”.

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