Wiping out a useful third of the population

We have recently been sent a Cambridge City Centre Evacuation Map. The suggestion is that, being a historic and iconic city, Cambridge is an obvious target for any terrorists wanting to build up to an attack on a bigger, better protected city. Like Brentwood.

The terrorists might also be tempted to take out the University in the hope of depriving the country of a whole generation of future politicians, lawyers, bankers and well-spoken comedians, thus throwing the country into chaos. It’s a pity, then, that the City Council’s evacuation plan seems designed to help everybody except the above escape.

Under the heading “How will I know that an evacuation is required?” we are informed that the message will be circulated in the following ways:

  • Local radio stations will be informed of the evacuation and used to broadcast messages.
  • Requests to evacuate will be broadcast using public address systems in shopping centres.
  • Roadside message boards will display information about the evacuation.

    Which means that the people rescued will be, respectively, the mad old people who phone in to Radio Cambridgeshire, the chavs who use the Grafton shopping centre, and the twats who try to knock me off my bike every day.

    I, on the other hand, will remain blissfully ignorant of the evacuation and will no doubt be bombed or gassed according to the method in which the terrorists have decided to take out those members of the public who aren’t mad, chavs or thoroughly repulsive in every way.

    It doesn’t exactly bode well for the future of the country…

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