Data entry

I am entering data for a human resources department at the moment, putting into a computer the moribund details of other people’s job applications. I have noted that a depressing number of CVs open with a paragraph along the lines of “I am a highly motivated, enthusiastic individual with good communication skills, I respond well to challenges, enjoy team building and am keen to approach new tasks with highly-motivated team-building challenge-responding task-challenged-motivational people-based communication-friendly enthusiasm…”

Never has the word “individual” been so misplaced by so many people. Do any employers actually read what they’ve written, let alone believe it? And why start your CV with it, unless it is to distract employers from the abysmal lack of actual qualifications?

My CV begins with the simple paragraph “B.A. Music, Cambridge University – First Class Honours”. Is that why I am currently doing data entry…?

Maybe I should replace it with a vapid paragraph of meaningless adjectival vomit after all.

I’ve just come across one application from a Mrs Natalia Konovalova, and I’m thinking, why is she applying to be a kitchen porter when her name is crying out for her to invent a pudding of some sort? Probably meringue-based with lots of thick, unhealthy cream and chocolate sponge steeped in cognac. “Yes, please, I’ll have the Konovalova Natalia if I may, and profiteroles for my wife.”

Failing that, “Konovalova” should at least be a word used to describe the palava caused in the event of a con. (i.e. The Thomas Crown Affair is a film that leads up to a highly entertaining konovalova.)

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