God bless Cambridge City Council

I never thought I’d say it. I once did some temping for Cambridge City Council and they treated me like shit. They tax us an unbelievable amount for living in this house and to claim any kind of support you have to go through nine circles of hell and come back with Satan’s broomstick (see former complaints).

And yet, when they go to live in hell, will Cambridge City Council be in the ninth circle (which, as you’ll know if you’ve read yer Dante, represents treachery and has all of the sinners frozen in a lake called Cocytus)? The answer is, no. They may end up in the fifth circle, reserved for the Wrathful and Sullen. But that will still put them many levels above Ambassador Property Management, for whom the eighth circle of hell (fraud) is reserved. (If there’s any justice, said fraudsters will end up in the second section of the eighth circle, where the souls are immersed in their own excrement.)

Because unlike Ambassador, it transpires that Cambridge City Council occasionally actually do what they are meant to!

Cambridge City Council Environmental Services
11 January 2007

Dear Mr Lark

I write further to our meeting at 2 Victoria St on 3rd January 2007 concerning your complaint of disrepair to the kitchen and bathroom.

(Point of note – I didn’t complain about the kitchen, since there was no excrement dripping from it. However, it was in a bit of a state when the nice man from Environmental Services came round, what with Alastair having left a lot of washing up to be done, and I think it’s as well that the situation was exaggerated.)

– I understand that the saniflow macerator pump broke down in mid November and was replaced during mid December. During a period of time faecal matter leaked from the saniflow chamber onto the bathroom floor, through the floor boards and eventually through the ceiling in the hallway and onto the carpet below.

– On entry to the house I detected an unusual musty odour in the hallway.

(Alastair and I agreed that this is actually caused by Chris’ dirty washing, which he stores in a kind of dirty washing version of a pot pourri dispenser.)

Whilst not offensive this odour was not pleasant.

(Well, we’re not disputing that.)

– The hallway ceiling plaster is damaged in an area immediately beneath the WC and there is a stain on the carpet below this.

(The stain in question was actually caused by a careless member of Girton choir and a glass of red wine within two weeks of our moving in here, but as Alastair said, “let them paint a picture”.)

The bathroom floor covering has lifted and is ill fitting in places around the saniflow and WC.

– It is likely that as a result of the leaking saniflow the bathroom floor covering, floor boards/ceiling and carpet have been contaminated with faecal waste and require thorough cleaning and disinfection.

I have contacted Sarah Lawson at Ambassador requesting that they carry out the following.

– Carry out repairs to the ceiling plaster and make good afterwards.

– Thoroughly clean and disinfect the area of stained carpet where the contamination dribbled through the floorboards in the hallway.

– Lift the bathroom floor covering and thoroughly clean and disinfect the floorboards below.

– Refit/replace the bathroom floor covering as it has lifted from the floorboards around the WC.

I trust that Ambassador will carry out the works in the next few weeks. If the have not made any progress in three weeks please contact me again.

Yours sincerely
Name and address supplied

Need I point out the huge triumph this represents? The system, it would appear, worked this time.

Furthermore, if you google for “ambassador property shit”, this blog is the first thing to come up! Now if I could only achieve the same result for “ambassador property”, my life would be complete…

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