Leaked: an internal memo to all writers working on "Merlin"

To all writers. This is how episodes will be structured:

1. Somebody does some magic. Doesn’t need to make sense.

2. Richard Wilson discovers that the magic thing is magic and expresses disbelief (note to writers: try to avoid using the phrase “I don’t believe it”).

3. Merlin makes a wild accusation about the magic. He gets in trouble.

4. At this point a CGI dragon with John Hurt’s voice may lecture Merlin about destiny, as long as he is unnecessarily enigmatic and mixes up his words like Yoda.

5. Arthur tries to defend Merlin’s actions and Anthony Stewart Head gives him a bollocking.

6. Arthur is forced to fight magic forces. With a sword.

7. Arthur defeats magic forces due to secret magic help from Merlin.

8. Arthur takes the credit for defeat of magic forces. Merlin grins knowingly.

9. All of the characters who for the duration of the episode have demonstrated only loathing for each other suddenly get all emotional and say nice things instead; important that these nice things are acknowledged with knowingly dismissive responses, e.g. “now get on with your work”, “eat your dinner and shut up”, “polish my armour”.

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