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I am entering data for a human resources department at the moment, putting into a computer the moribund details of other people’s job applications. I have noted that a depressing number of CVs open with a paragraph along the lines of “I am a highly motivated, enthusiastic individual with good communication skills, I respond well to challenges, enjoy team building and am keen to approach new tasks with highly-motivated team-building challenge-responding task-challenged-motivational people-based communication-friendly enthusiasm…”

Never has the word “individual” been so misplaced by so many people. Do any employers actually read what they’ve written, let alone believe it? And why start your CV with it, unless it is to distract employers from the abysmal lack of actual qualifications?

My CV begins with the simple paragraph “B.A. Music, Cambridge University – First Class Honours”. Is that why I am currently doing data entry…?

Maybe I should replace it with a vapid paragraph of meaningless adjectival vomit after all.

I’ve just come across one application from a Mrs Natalia Konovalova, and I’m thinking, why is she applying to be a kitchen porter when her name is crying out for her to invent a pudding of some sort? Probably meringue-based with lots of thick, unhealthy cream and chocolate sponge steeped in cognac. “Yes, please, I’ll have the Konovalova Natalia if I may, and profiteroles for my wife.”

Failing that, “Konovalova” should at least be a word used to describe the palava caused in the event of a con. (i.e. The Thomas Crown Affair is a film that leads up to a highly entertaining konovalova.)

Prince and the New Education

Prince Charles is reported as complaining that “young people believed they could succeed without having talent or putting in hard work”. This just makes sense, doesn’t it? When did we start believing that people could get ahead without being good at what they do, and dedicating themselves to it?

Perhaps Charles has said more inflammatory things that no one can be bothered to report. That’s Prince Charles there, not Charles Clarke, who says equally sensible things like “We can aspire to do our best”. I just don’t see how these things aren’t equally capable of being true. What am I missing?

Spain and racism

Metro reports Spanish daily AS as saying “Multi-culturalism is a new thing in our country”. Isn’t Christians and Moors fighting each other considered multi-cultural these days? At the very least, it’s a backdrop to the comment which perhaps should have been acknowledged.

Metro have also managed to avoid an article in the phrase “FIFA, football world’s governing body”. Really not sure how that works.

Best about this story, however, has got to be that FIFA’s president is called Sepp Blatter. Wow!

MTV Europe Music Awards

Metro notes that Sarah Michelle Gellar co-hosted – indeed, there’s a picture of her on the front page – but fails to point out how bad she looks in that make-up. No one’s going to want to have sex with you if you look like Barbie, Sarah. Well, no one except Ken.

The above, said by a man at the station last night. It was definitely snow, and this morning car windscreens were covered in crazily patterned ice, the grass was layered with a thin white – but, fortunately, the pavements and roads were clear, possibly due to some magic underground heating system the council has installed without telling anyone. (Or possibly because the ground retains heat fairly well, and we’re still not properly into winter. But my way is more fun.)

Clearly there are too many people sympathetic to Christians in Cambridge, because some enlightened church leaders have found a novel way to diminish the number.

Sigh. I think I know people who attended at least one of those churches as undergraduates, but they’d probably find it as laughable as I do. Mind you, we should probably face facts and rename Christmas to Big Winter Self-Fest, but that’s another argument …

After some careful thought, I’ve just got a refund on my MP3-CD copy of the first two Hitchhiker series. It’s a shame, because I hadn’t actually listened to them all, and haven’t actually (somewhat shamefully) listened to them ever before, but the damn thing had pops and clicks on the recording, so it wasn’t very enjoyable anyway.

And the shop I returned it to didn’t have the CD versions, so I couldn’t replace it straight away with something that might work. Instead I’m listening to La Bohème, which while all very good wasn’t actually written by Douglas Adams.

I have, over the last few days, watched a number of films. They all seemed to contain people who have since gone on to be rather well known indeed, although for one of them this was no surprise because he was always a prolific bugger when it came to small roles.

Pump Up The Volume is great fun, even more so than I remembered. It’s kind of like Heathers, with fewer jokes, and if you prefer Samantha Mathis over Winona Ryder (which is a difficult call) then you’ll probably like it. Is has the afore-hinted Seth Green in a minor role; he also turns up in things like the pilot of The X Files, a film about skateboarders that I can’t remember the name of, and as an FBI geek in Enemy of the State.

Last night, I watched Candyman, which I’d never actually seen before. It’s got Xander Berkeley in it, who has gone on to be in 24 amongst other things; but more interestingly it has Kasi Lemmons, who had previously been in Vampire’s Kiss – check out the poster. It’s Nic Cage looking scared!

While we’re talking about Candyman, Urban Legend is of course fairly straightforwardly derivative of it in some ways, and today it’s Tara Reid’s birthday.

Dare I join them all together? Urban Legend stars Alicia Witt, who was in Four Rooms with Jennifer Beals, also in Vampire’s Kiss. Christian Slater has been in the West Wing, as has Michael O’Neill, also in 24.

IMDb is way too much fun. It’s like an encyclopedia on acid.

We should all thank John Kerry for being prepared to lose. Bravo.

Incidentally, to anyone worried about the spectre of a perpetual Bush, don’t forget that the President of the United States is term limited. Unlike members of the Supreme Court, some of whom are likely to be replaced in Bush’s second term.

Distressing as the American election was (congratulations Mr Bush, bad luck Iran), I have had problems closer to home.

I have lost my kazoo. People who have seen me perform will know what a vital weapon this is in my comic arsenal – without it, my act will be sadly depleted. I can’t imagine that anyone would have any reason for stealing it, unless someone is deliberately trying to sabotage my career.

If anyone has seen it, please let me know. It’s pink.

Also, my landlord is taking his house apart and there are builders everywhere. For a glorious moment this morning I thought that one of them was singing the Salve Regina, but it turned out to be “So here it is merry Christmas” – how am I supposed to cope with waking up to such a thing?

“Bush is a wartime President,” said a smug American commentator on Newsnight yesterday evening. “No wartime President has ever lost an election.”

Perhaps it hadn’t crossed his mind that, by declaring “war” on something as nebulous as terrorism, Bush has started a war that will never end. He will, in effect, always be a wartime President. Is it his plan to remain President forever?

Oh no, I forgot – that’s Tony Blair.

Earlier, they were consistently one electoral college vote ahead for Bush compared to the other charts – now they’re five. Given both they and C-SPAN are using AP, I can’t see how this works. The numbers don’t even add up in some places – BBC was quoting more votes for Bush in New Hampshire, from fewer precincts, than C-SPAN. Weird …

Seems to have settled down a little now, though. Hmm.